From Warrior to Survivor

It has taken me 3 months to finally decide to blog about my journey, share my story outside of social media, and I still have reservations about it, but here goes nothing….

My daughter was born January of 2013. She gifted me the title mom and for that I will forever be thankful. She has shown me that it’s okay to show up daily as your authentic self and to not give a shit what people think. She is one of the many rocks in my life. Without her I don’t know what or where I would be. When we told her in April of this past year that her dreams were finally coming true she was going to be a big sister, her reaction was one I will remember for a lifetime. While a baby was not in our cards as we were planning a wedding and looking for a place to make our home, God had other plans.

Baby G was due October 14, 2022, but in true super hero fashion he arrived just in time to save my life. September 19, 2022 was the beginning of the life altering events.

Both of my babies were early, both of them healthy…Thank god! Greyson however spent what felt like an eternity getting suctioned because he swallowed some fluid and bruised his face while entering the world. One of the scariest moments of my life. I remember being so upset when I noticed halfway through my pregnancy that I had stretch marks, mainly because the first pregnancy resulted in heavy weight gain and no stretch marks. I would joke around and say my superficial was showing. Little did I know…God was just getting started.

September 20, 2022 I met with the lactation consultant and was finally able to breast feed. If you know me you know that was a gift all in itself as I was not able to with Isabella. I just happened to mention that my left breast felt like there was a rock inside of it. She checked it out said she’d get me an ice pack and be right back…she never came back. The next thing I know a breast surgeon is knocking on my hospital room door not even 24 hours after giving birth to my son.

They say when you know you know, and my instincts kicked in as my brain knew what was coming but the denial was real.

September 21, 2022 it was discharge day and I was so ready to go home! Because Covid protocols were still in place Isabella wasn’t able to visit to meet her baby brother. I missed her terribly and just wanted my family together. Before I could be discharged though they had to complete an ultrasound and mammogram, once that was complete they said I needed a biopsy which would have to be scheduled.

September 22, 2022 was my first day home and also the day I had to go back to the hospital for the biopsy. I still remember feeling like doing the biopsy would confirm what I already knew in my gut. The 4 days that followed seemed like the longest 4 days of my life.

September 26,2022 was the first day I was able to bring Bella to school in over a year. Finally I could drop her off and pick her up even if it was just while I was on leave. At 8:15am that morning we were on our way to school when my phone rang. The caller ID told me it was the hospital….as I’m typing this my body is having the same reaction as when the phone actually rang. My heart began to race and I got really anxious. I answered the phone via Bluetooth not thinking that what I was about to hear would be life altering. There was a little part of me that had some hope that it was in fact a clogged milk duct. When I answered the phone the voice on the other end met me with a sense of concern, and then she said it…in the presence of my 9 year old, ‘Nicole I’m really sorry, but the biopsy came back as stage 2 cancer’ she threw a bunch of technical terms out there that I didn’t even hear because all I heard was cancer and seen out of the corner of my eye my daughter bury her head, as she grabbed my hand and began shaking. That wasn’t the time for emotion, it was the time that I had to be strong and remain solid, I could not allow my daughter to get a sense of any fear. That day we didn’t park and walk we did the drop off line. She seen her friend, hugged kissed me and hopped out of

the car. The 2 minute ride home felt like an eternity I remember pulling into the driveway and just taking a minute to cry in my car.

I began asking all of the questions one would ask themselves. ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ ‘I just had a baby why is this happening?’ This can’t be Effin real I don’t want to die!

Everything after that moment seems like a blur still to this day. Everything happened so fast, by 3pm I was at the oncologist. I picked Bella up from school early that day because I promised her I would, when we picked her up she asked me ‘mom, that dr said you have cancer what does that mean?’ I told her I didn’t have all of the answers but once I had more information I would tell her everything I knew so she would be Informed. I promised to be completely transparent with her, and I have been for the most part. There are some things that have evolved that she doesn’t know about because her plate is already so full I don’t want to push her over the edge.

That afternoon I feel so unprepared. I didn’t know what questions to ask, I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew is they told me I had to have a CT scan of my chest abdomen and pelvis, an echocardiogram and labs, as well as a procedure to insert a port for my chemotherapy infusions.

The next thing I know it’s October 11,2022 and I’m sitting in the infusion chair listening to a nurse tell me about all the potential side effects I could have all while thinking ‘is this actually happening to me?’

My infusion schedule was every 2 weeks. The potential side effects were insane and they weren’t giving me just any chemotherapy they were hitting me with two of the heaviest drugs right off the bat. One of them received a catchy nickname to…Red Devil. I assure you it was as horrible as it sounds. By my second treatment my hair began falling out in clumps, and despite having cut my hair short it was still just as traumatizing.

I decided that before my hair began to fall out I was going to cut it short. I looked into cold capping and it honestly sounded so promising but the likelihood I’d actually keep most of my hair was so low I didn’t want to put myself through anything else. My sister in law came over the Thursday before my first round and we chopped my then just below the shoulder length hair into a cute bad ass pixie but we had to be extra and dye it pink. I received so many compliments about my hair that I fell in love with it and didn’t really miss my long hair.

I told my daughter that it didn’t matter if I lost my hair because that wasn’t going to change the person I was. I’m still trying to figure out who I was trying to convince me or her….

I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to rock this bad ass hair cut longer than 4 weeks before making yet another life altering decision….

October 29,2022 it was a Saturday. I remember showering and washing my hair, finding clumps in my hands. I remember finding it on my towel, and in my brush. I also remember the patches the small but I noticed them patches. My 9 year old got emotional and I jumped into this…‘I’m making this decision cancer doesn’t get to take this too’. That’s when I texted Brian and I told him today was the day, that when he got home from work he either buzz my head or I was going to. I told him when this started that if it came to it I wanted him to be the one to shave my head, he looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘no one else is going to. If it needs to be done I’m doing it.’ And he did. With tears in my daughters eyes she ran away, upstairs hysterical. She told me this wasn’t fair that her mom shouldn’t have to deal with cancer that no one should and that broke me. She’s absolutely right it’s not fucking fair, but here is where we are.

I told her again that our hair does not define who we are, it just gives us something to stand out in. She wanted to shave her head in solidarity…but I wouldn’t let her. Seeing how she reacted to me shaving my head…yeah I don’t want to have those tears until it grows back in.

When this journey first started for me I thought I was being punished, but now I see that it’s not punishment but I’m being challenged. Challenged to see myself how others view me. Challenged to stand up for myself and for others to advocate for what is right. Challenged to have an open mind and trust my faith more.

I’m not done yet my story is just beginning…Hang on folks it’s going to be a bumpy ride!