From Warrior to Survivor

If I had a penny for every time I heard someone tell me ‘you’ll be fine.’ I’d be half way to becoming a millionaire. I get that we say things as humans for encouragement, but sometimes it doesn’t encourage anything.

October 25, 2022 I went in for another biopsy. This one was on my L4 vertebrae. The CT scan and the bone scan that were done reflected something in this area and now I have to be poked more. At this point my mind was going insane, because I mean what else? I tried to keep a ‘positive attitude’ I tried convincing myself that this was nothing, that it was from previous trauma, from a failed epidural. I was hopeful. The medical team made me hopeful. The procedure wasn’t bad, then again they gave me 100mg of sedation and yet I was still awake just numb until I wasn’t and the Dr had to give me more.

After the biopsy they told me I could not lift bend or twist for at least a week and lift nothing over 10lbs for 4 weeks. I went home to rest, only to have yet another scary situation happen that night.

12:30am I’m feeding Baby G when he started coughing and choking. I started freaking out Brian took him and began smacking his back. He turned red and went limp several times. I panicked, called 911 and before I knew it I was jumping up to open the door. The adrenaline took over and I felt nothing. I was petrified to sleep for 3 weeks he slept in a lounger in the middle of the bed where I could hear him breathing, and still I barely slept.

When I was diagnosed before beginning treatment they asked me if I wanted to preserve eggs, you know in case I wanted to have more children per my nurse case manager. I said we were done, and know we’re done but when my Dr told me that preserving eggs was not an option because of the type of cancer I have…I felt like someone ripped the world out from under me. To this day it is still a pain point. I know I’m done I have two healthy children but there is something about not having the choice that disrupts my solid foundation.

Knowing that I will never be able to have children again brings out this over protective momma bear. Every scratch, every cough, every sneeze I’m freaking out. Cancer made me a helicopter mom, the very mom I tried not to be. My children are my life, I never want to see them sick or in pain, but this hits different.

Sitting in the hospital with Baby G for 6 hours I couldn’t help but think that this was somehow my fault. I started replaying everything over in my mind. Did I not burp him enough? Am I using the wrong size bottle nipple? Is it the bottle? The formula? What is going on?!?! Apparently it was nothing. I knew that, by the time the medics got to our home he was already back to normal, but again…helicopter mom Nicole needed him to get checked out to be sure.

October 28, 2022 I received another phone call from my Dr. Of course as I was picking up Isabella they called. This time we weren’t in the car or connected to Bluetooth. The voice on the other end, again meeting me with concern. ‘Hi Nicole, I have your biopsy results back, the lesion on your vertebrae is in fact cancer. The good news, it’s the same as the cancer in your breast.’ How is that good news?!

I’ll tell you, they have perfect timing. I hung up the phone, Isabella looked at me and asked me if I was okay. I stood there for a minute. Told her I was fine and in the car we got, and home we went. Again, I found myself asking what the fuck I did for this. Someone can come into your life blow your trust and family apart go about their business and be happy and healthy and you are sitting here fighting for your life. I still don’t know how it’s fair, but here we are.

This was the part I never told Isabella about because I wanted to get more information, but then I realized that she is only 9 and already has so much to process, so this is the one thing I kept from her, and every time she asks like I do with everyone I tell her I am okay. I could have tears in my eyes but I am okay, I ‘just yawned’.

Sometimes when you tell people ‘you’ll be fine’ they go out of their way to make you believe ‘they’re just fine’ while they internalize and fight the battle silently…